Turkey Hotline
Call 58
Track guide
The Implant
Reckless Pizza Guy
Turkey Hotline is the fifty-eighth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Carol: Hi, thanks for calling the Butterball Hotline. Can I help you?

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Who is this?

Carol: Carol.

Milton: Carol, I got turkey trouble! Do I have to have a Butterball turkey for you to answer my questions?

Carol: No sir, you don't have to have a Butterball turkey for me to answer your questions.

Milton: Oh, praise the lord! Okay, maybe you can help me out here. Last year, I didn't have enough turkey because me, my wife, and my three kids- especially Chauncey- he's twelve years old, already weighs 400 pounds. He eats like a horse! So this year, I had to get a HUGE turkey! I got a 76-pounder!

Carol: Oh my God, where did you get a turkey that big?

Milton: I'm not gonna even go into how I found that! But, I need to start cooking it now so that it's all ready for Thanksgiving Day, which is tomorrow! So, I got...the turkey...on the jumbo tray over here, and-

(Milton violently drops turkey on the floor)

Carol: What happened? Sir, what happened?

Milton: I just dropped the damn turkey on the floor! Hold on a sec! Hold on!

(clanging pots and pans, Milton grunting)

Carol: Are you okay?

Milton: Yeah, hold on a sec! I'm...I'm picking up the turk-hang on a minute! I'm putting it back on the countertop!

(Milton puts turkey back up on counter)

Milton: Geez! Wheeeew! Okay! I got it- there's a little bit of dust and sand all over it, but it looks like spices, so I'm-I'm just gonna leave it. Okay. I got the oven-I had to rent a special industrial-strength blast furnace to cook this thing...

Carol: Oh my God...

Milton: Now, I've got it-I've got the furnace up to 900 degrees!

Carol: Sir, that is too way too high. That is too high, sir.

Milton: Hang on, I'm putting the the oven-hold on a min-

(Milton opens furnace door)

Milton: Okay, turkey is going in...

(Milton places turkey on makeshift oven rack)

Milton: Turkey oh, it's hot as hell in there!

(furnace sets on fire)

Milton: Oh! I got a fire!

Carol: Sir, put the fire out!

Milton: Turkey's on fire!

Carol: Sir, put the fire out!

Milton: Turkey's on fire! AHH!!! Turkey's on-WOAH!

(smoke detector goes off)

Milton: Oh, geez! Smoke detector! Turkey's on fire! Smoke detector!

Carol: Sir, put the fire out!

Milton: I can't put the fire out! Agh, gee-I gotta go! Goodbye!

(Milton hangs up)


  • Butterball is a company that specializes in poultry, primarily turkey.
  • A blast furnace is a furnace used for metallic smelting, that is usually contained in a custom-sized building.
  • This call makes reference to an unknown third child that Milton has. This child is never referred to again, unless Milton's statement of the escaped lion mauling his children in The Lion is counted.