Tickle Me Elmo-Wood
Call 46
Track guide
The Jet Ski
Craftmatic Bed
Tickle Me Elmo-Wood is the forty-sixth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone) 

Woman: Service.

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've finally answered! Ho-ho-holy crap! How long does it take for you to answer the phone? 

Woman: Can I help you, ma'am? 

Milton: I'm a sir! I need the toy department! I've got a list, I'm checking it twice! Hello?!

(service line beeps)

Man: Toys. 

Milton: Oh, thank God you answered! First things first, I want that (censored) on wheels at the front desk fired! You hear me?! 

Man: You want that-what now? 

Milton: I said I want that (censored) on wheels at the front desk fired! She was rude to me!

Man: She was rude?

Milton: Yes!

Man: Okay, let me...hold on just a min-

Milton: No! Woah woah woah! Hold on! (stammers) Let me finish with you first!

Man: Oh-

Milton: I've been a valued shopper there for many, many years!

Man: Mm-hmm!

Milton: You might've remembered, about a month ago, do you remember the old man...that collapsed and threw up in the houseware section?

Man: Nah, I just work part-time. I just be here at night.

Milton: Well, I want you to know that they were very, very nice and they called the rescue squad and the manager sent me a cookie basket in the hospital and said if I needed anything, just give him a ring!

Man: Okay, well, if you- 

Milton: So-

Man: If you wanna talk to him and make-

Milton: No! No, no! I don't want to make the complaint yet! I've got a holiday toy list! I need you to help me check for items now!

Man: Okay!

Milton: My name is Milton Fludgecow, and I-

Man: Milton Fludge?

Milton: Fludgecow!

Man: Okay...

Milton: And I have a kid named Chauncey! Fourteen years old, a little weird. He's very fat! Fourteen years old, can you believe it? Four-hundred pounds already!

Man: Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Milton: Big fat kid! He's got a little eating problem, I think! All right, here's the list he's given me for the holidays. First thing on the list: I need a "Tickle Me Elwood".

Man: A what is that, now?

Milton: Tickle Me Elwood!

Man: Tickle Me Elwood? We ain't got the Elwood, we out of Elwood...Elmo, I mean! Elmo...Elmo, Elmo-wood, it's, uh-by, uh, Sesame...Sesame-

Milton: Okay! So, I need the Tickle Me Elmo!

Man: Okay, we don't have him. We out of him.

Milton: You're out of Tickle Me Elmo?!

Man: Yes, sir...

Milton: Son of a (censored)!

(Milton kicks his television set and gets electrocuted, Milton screaming)

Milton: I just kicked my foot into the television set! The screen exploded! I've just been electro-juiced!

Man: Okay-

Milton: OW!

Man: Are you okay?

Milton: I don't know, I feel a little woozy now! I mean, I j-I just smashed in my television set with my foot!

Man: Okay, well let me go call-let me call-let me-would you like for me to call the rescue squad for you?

Milton: No, I think I'm okay!

Man: You think you're okay?

Milton: Yes! I-I'll be okay!

Man: All right...

Milton: All right, second item: I need the "Happy Holiday Barbie doll"!

Man: All sold out.

Milton: Son of a (censored)!

(Milton starts violently wrecking his kitchen)

Man: Sir? Sir, stop! You alright?

Milton: ARGH!

Man: You alright?

Milton: I want Barbie!

Man: You alright?

Milton: I want Barbie!

Man: You alright?

Milton: Barbie! Barbie! Barbie! Barbie! Barbie! Barbie! Barbie! Barbie!

Man: Hello?

Milton: I want Barbie!

Man: Hello?

Milton: Get me Elmo or get me Barbie!

Man: All sold out!

Milton: What the-?!

Man: Hey, don't wreck your home!

Milton: What?!

Man: Don't wreck your home.

Milton: AGH! Oh, I've stopped! I just smashed up my entire kitchen! It looks like a bomb went off in here!

Man: Holy cow!

Milton: Let's see if we can go for number three!

Man: Alright.

Milton: If you have number three, I think everything is gonna be okay!

Man: Okay.

Milton: All right, I need... "Nintendo 64 game".

Man: Nintendo 64 game?

Milton: Yes!

Man: Okay...oooh...sir, I don't know how to tell you this here, but we're all sold out of them.

Milton: Oh my God! I was hoping that it didn't have to come to this! Goodbye, cruel world!

Man: Oh-

(Milton shoots himself)

Man: Hello? Holy Jesus!

(man hangs up)

(ringback tone)


  • Tickle Me Elmo is a toy that was initially produced by Tyco in 1996 made in the image of Elmo from Sesame Street. The toy has become infamous for its reputation in which parents would violently fight over it (as well as injure store employees over it) during the Christmas shopping seasons of the late 1990s.
  • Barbie is a toy line owned by Mattel that began production in 1959 and is still produced to this day.
  • Nintendo 64 was a fifth-generation home gaming console made by Nintendo starting in North America in September 1996 and ending in November 2003.