The Vacuum of Doom
Call 18
Track guide
The Killer Bees
The Garage Door
The Vacuum of Doom is the eighteenth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series


(ringback tone)

(vacuum noises)

Woman: (censored) Vacuum Customer Service.

Milton: OH!!! Thank God you've answered! I need help!

Woman: Sir, can I get your first and last name, please?

Milton: My name is Milton Fludgecow, I'm calling from Florida, and your vacuum cleaner is ruining my life! (yelps)

Woman: Sir, are you okay?

Milton: No, I'm not okay! Does it sound like I'm okay?! You must be a moron! I bought your Power Suck shop vac and it's out of control!

Woman: Okay, sir. What's wrong?

Milton: I got the hose attachment on and I'm trying to hold it steady! It's-

(vacuum cleaner throws Milton through plate glass window)

Milton: (screaming and grunting in pain)

Woman: Sir, can you pull the cord out of the wall?

Milton: (grunts) Pull the cord out of the wall? It just threw me through my plate glass window! I'm outside in the shrubs now!

Woman: You can-can you unplug it?

Milton: No, I can't unplug it! I can't get anywhere near the damn unit!

Woman: Turn it off!

Milton: No, I can't turn it off! I'm using every bit of my strength to try and control this hose which is swarming and flailing all around the house! Oh my God! It's starting to go towards my gerbil cage!

(vacuum cleaner sucks up Milton's pet gerbils)

Woman: Oh! Sir, just hold onto it!

Milton: Oh! There goes Lumpy! Oh! There goes Mumpy! Oh my God! It just sucked up my gerbils! It just sucked up my gerbils! They're inside your demonic vacuum cleaner!

(vacuum cleaner tosses Milton into television)

Milton: (getting electrocuted, screaming in pain)

Woman: What-what is...?

Milton: I was just thrown into my Zenith Space Command television set and entertainment center! I broke the glass! It's all smashed! I just got electrocuted!

Woman: Are you okay?

Milton: No, I'm not okay, you idiot! The hose is moving towards my crottttttttch!!!

(vacuum cleaner hose sucks onto Milton's crotch)

Woman: Oh! No, no! Hold onto it! Don't-don't let it get attached to you!

Milton: It is attached-the vacuum is on my crotch!

Woman: No! Hold onto it! Don't-

Milton: (wailing; his voice gradually getting higher in pitch) It's on my crotch! It's on my crotch! It's on my-it's on my crotch! (wails) It's on! It's sucking!

Woman: Sir? Okay! Pull the cord out of the wall!

Milton: I can't! It's sucking my (gibberish)!

Woman: Well, hold onto it!

Milton: (gibberish, wails)


(ringback tone)