| The Shredder | |
|---|---|
| Call 54 | |
| Prank Call Guide | |
| Previous Car Insurance |
Next The Lion |
The Shredder is the fifty-fourth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series.
Transcript
(ringback tone)
Woman: Good afternoon, (censored).
Milton: Yeah, let me speak to the crap-for-brains that sold me this shredding machine!
Woman: Excuse me?
Milton: I said I got a shredder and it ain't working! I gotta shred, shred, shred before five, five, five and the thing won't work, work, work!
(Milton is put on hold; calm jazz music)
Woman #2: Service.
Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! I got to shred papers, you guys sold me the machine and it won't work at all! Nothing's happening!
Woman #2: Okay, I...
Milton: I pushed the...(Milton pushes button) button and nothing! Listen!
Woman #2: Okay, hold on, please.
Milton: Who's gonna talk to me?
(woman gives phone to co-worker)
Roy: This is Roy.
Milton: I'm trying to shred! How many people am I gonna speak to there? I bought the machine from you and nothing's happening!
Roy: What kind of machine is it?
Milton: It's a shredder! Hang-I'm pushing the 'on' button and-
(shredder turns on)
Milton: Hol-ho-hold on! All right! Do you-do you hear that?
Roy: Yeah...
Milton: Okay, it's starting to shred! Why wasn't it shredding?
Roy: Sounds like it's broken...
Milton: What?!
Roy: Sounds like it's broken!
Milton: Hold on! I'm gonna lean into the machine and see if I can see a...some kind of broken part or something, I don't see-
(Milton's tie gets caught in shredder)
Milton: DAH! GAH! My-my tie! My tie is caught in the machine! GAH!
(Milton getting strangled by tie and choking)
Milton: (choking) Hello? Hello?!
Roy: Hold on! I'm gonna put you on hold!
Milton: Don't put me on hold! I'm stuck in the damn machine!
Roy: Put it in reverse...
Milton: What? Reverse? Hold on!
(Milton's tie still being fed into the shredder)
Milton: Could I get some help here? First your machine wasn't working, now it's trying to chew me up like a death machine!
Roy: Where are you located?
Milton: I'm in my office! Where do you think I am, the toilet?
Roy: Where are you located geographically? Do you have a pair of scissors?
Milton: No-what? Hang on a sec! Can't reach! I'm being held tightly by the machine! Scissors are ten feet away on the desk!
(Milton's tie continues to get fed into the shredder)
Milton: (coughing and hacking) Hello?
Roy: Give me your address and I'll call the fire department.
Milton: It's gonna chew my whole face off in a minute!
Roy: Call 911!
Milton: (coughing, hacking, choking on his tie) AHH!!! Let me out of here! It's starting to ch-(choking, getting strangled)
Roy: Pull the cord, for crying out loud! What's your problem?! Pull the power cord!
(Milton getting strangled to death)
(Roy hangs up)
(ringback tone)