The Killer Bees
Call 17
Track guide
I Lost Mommy
The Vacuum of Doom

The Killer Bees is the seventeenth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series.


(ringback tone)

Woman: Good morning, Chelsea Florists.

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the craphead that dropped off these flowers in my hospital room!

(EKG heart monitor sound in background)

Woman: Excuse me, sir, who-who is this? Don't speak to me this way. If you have a problem, I'll be happy to handle it.

Milton: I'm in the hospital! I'm here for triple bypass surgery! You can probably hear all of the medical equipment sounds in the background!

Woman: Sir, what is your problem?

Milton: I'm recovering! I just got out of the ICU-I had triple bypass surgery! My fat kids Chauncey and Estelle just had some flowers sent to me by you people, and I've got a bee inside my flowers from you!

Woman: Excuse me, sir, we have no flowers with bees in them.

Milton: Yes! Are you calling me a liar?!

Woman: No, sir. I'm not calling you a liar...

Milton: Yes, you are! Shut the hell up! I've-

Woman: Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. Don't speak to me this way...

Milton: I've got a bee in my flower!

(bee buzzing sound)

Milton: Oh! There it is!

Woman: That does sound like a bee!

Milton: Yes, I'm not a liar! I've got bees in my flowers! And-

Woman: Sir?

Milton: It just landed!

Woman: What hospital are you in?

Milton: Hold on a sec! I'm gonna poke through the rest of the bouquet-

Woman: No, no! Don't go through the bouquet!

Milton: Hold on!

(Milton sifts through bouquet of flowers)

Woman: Don't touch it, there's bees in there!

Milton: There's a whole nest of bees inside!

Woman: Sir, listen to me-

Milton: I'm gonna poke at the nest to see if there's any more in here!

Woman: No, no! Don't do that!

(Milton angers swarm of bees from flowers)

Milton: OW!!! EH! AHH!!! I got a whole swarm!

Woman: Call the nurse, sir!

Milton: AHHHH!!!! Holy crapamoly!

Woman: Sir!

Milton: You sent me the Big Sting-My-Ass-Off bouquet! OW! I'm getting stung!

Woman: Sir, get under the covers! Please get under the covers!

(Milton getting stung by bees)

Milton: Wait a sec, I'm gonna get my walking cane and I'm gonna try and swat the bees!

Woman: No, don't do that!

(Milton swings his cane around his room, destroying everything BUT the bees)

Woman: Sir? Sir?

Milton: Oh my God! I just knocked over the tray of food!

(Milton continues to swing his cane around)

Milton: Oh! Holy crap!

Woman: Don't do that! You'll get stung!

Milton: Ehhh! Gonna try swatting the bees one last time!

(Milton puts all his strength into this swing and knocks over an oxygen tank)

Woman: Sir! Stop tearing up the room! Calm down!

Milton: Oh my God! I knocked over an oxygen tank!

Woman: Oh my God, get out of the room!

Milton: I've got a leak! I've got a leak! Oh my God, there are sparks and-

(oxygen tank explodes and sets room on fire)

Milton: Ahh!!! Whoooo!!! I got a fire!

Woman: Oh, holy (censored)!

Milton: The whole place is on fire!

Woman: Holy (censored)!

Milton: Oh my God! I'm starting to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllltttttttttttttttttt..........

(Milton melts in the fire)

(woman hangs up)

(ringback tone)


  • Triple bypass surgery is a form of heart bypass surgery, which is done to reduce the risk of coronary artery disease-related death.