The Implant
Call 57
Track guide
Lost Eyeball
Turkey Hotline
The Implant is the fifty-seventh prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Woman: Good morning, Law Offices. May I help you?

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! This is Milton- is this the law firm that's handling the big lawsuit with those penile implants?

Woman: Yes, it is.

Milton: Oh, my implant's like a living Hell. Maybe I should go ahead and tell you why I had to get this implant in the first place.

Woman: Well, sir, that's not necessary. What you should do is...

Milton: Well, good! Thanks for being so understanding! It happened several years ago- I was working as a bank teller at the Sun Bank over on Fletcher. I was one of those drive-thru tellers and I accidentally got my crotch caught in that vacuum suction tube.

Woman: Oh, sir...

Milton: (suction noises) You know the thing? (imitates drive-thru teller pneumatic tube) You know the thing you put your money in?

Woman: Sir, you really should be talking to somebody else...

Milton: Well, listen! After the freak accident, I had to get one of those implant devices, but they should've left my crotch in the mangled condition, cause now it's even worse! It's spinning around like an out-of-control carnival ride! My implant is acting like the Tilt-a-Whirl or the-

(implant hits the phone cord)

Milton: Hello, are you there?

Woman: Hello?

(implant knocks phone cord again)

Milton: Hello?!

Woman: Hello?

Milton: Oh! It just hit the phone cord! It almost yanked it out of the wall!

Woman: Sir, maybe...

(implant knocks a glass of prune juice of a table, glass shatters)

Woman: Hello? Sir?

Milton: God! Did you hear that?!

Woman: Yes sir, maybe you should-

Milton: It just swung around and knocked the glass of prune juice right off the table! The carpet's all stained now!

Woman: Well, maybe you should call...

Milton: This thing is out of control!

(implant knocks the phone out of Milton's hand)

Milton: Oh! Hold on!

Woman: Hello?

Milton: Oh, hold on! It-it knocked the phone out of my hand!

Woman: Sir, are you okay? Maybe you should call the hospital or...

Milton: Hold on a sec!

Woman: Hello?

Milton: Hel-he-hold on! Gee!

Woman: Sir, maybe you should call back tomorrow...

Milton: It knocked the receiver right out of my hands! This implant device is like Satan or something like that-

(implant starts hitting phone keypad)

Milton: Oh, geez!

Woman: Hello?

Milton: Hold on, it's hitting the keypad!

Woman: Sir, maybe you should call back tomorrow, okay?

Milton: Hold on, it's hitting the keypad!

Woman: Okay, call back-


(ringback tone)


  • A penile implant is a surgically-implanted device often used for treatment for various penile disorders.
  • Sun Bank is a shortened name for the Sun National Bank, a New Jersey-based bank company. This would most likely mean that Milton was living somewhere in New Jersey when he had his accident.
  • The device Milton is referring to at the bank is a pneumatic tube.
  • A Tilt-A-Whirl is a kind of amusement park flat ride.