Science Fair Project
Call 32
Track guide
Leave It To Beaver
Smelly Cab
Science Fair Project is the thirty-second prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Pre-Recorded Message: Thank you for calling the (censored) Consumer Resource Center...

Milton: (wails)

Pre-Recorded Message: Our seasonal hours are Monday through Friday, 8:00 AM to 6:00 PM...

Milton: I need help!!!

Pre-Recorded Message: ...Central time. If you are calling about a medical emergency...

Milton: Yes!

Pre-Recorded Message: ...involving Drano, Windex, Vanish, Mr. Muscle, Twinkle, or Shout Carpet, please call our medical...

Milton: All of the above! All of the above! Need help! Pushing random buttons now!

(Milton dialing help center number)

(ringback tone)

Woman: Good afternoon, help center.

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! My name is Milton Fludgecow, I'm calling from Florida, and I have a situation!

Woman: Okay, how can I help you?

Milton: My son Chauncey, fourteen years old, tips the scales at 439 pounds! He's in summer school cause he flunked all his classes last year cause he never studied jack crap! If I can be honest, he's a dumbass!

Woman: Mmm.

Milton: All he did was shove food in his mouth all day long! If he had a book in front of him instead of a pot roast, chicken leg, bag of Doritos, half gallon of Edy's Gourmet Chocolate Fudge ice cream, maybe he would've passed something! I would speculate!

Woman: How can I help you?

Milton: Here's the problem! He can earn some extra credit if he enters a project in the Super Summer Science Fair!

Woman: All right...

Milton: I thought he was gonna do something common like build a volcano, dissect a frog, or maybe run a lightbulb off of his butt gas!

Woman: Is there something I can help you with regarding our products?...

Milton: Why don't you just shut your yak trap and let me get a word in edgewise here, okay?!

Woman: ...okay.

Milton: Do we have an understanding?!

Woman: Yes-yes, sir...

Milton: Okay, like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, last week I had him scrubbing the toilets with Lysol Plus Bleach bathroom cleaner when he noticed a warning label, and I quote, "Do not mix with other household chemicals, such as products containing ammonia, toilet bowl cleaners, or acidic cleaners, as hazardous gases may be released". End quote!

Woman: That is correct...

Milton: Oh, really?

Woman: The interaction among various chemicals can produce toxic vapors which can be harmful. So, we recommend that you strictly adhere to the label instructions...

Milton: Oh! What are you, a scientist all of a sudden?! Sounds like you're reading that crap right out of a stinkin' textbook! Listen, I think it might be too late for that! His science project is called "Fun With Mixing Household Cleaners" and he's up in his room right now!

Woman: Sir, that's dangerous! And we would suggest that you prevent him from doing that thing-

Milton: I tell you what I suggest! I suggest that you shut your trap and stop telling me how to run my household and raise my children!

Woman: Yes, sir...but-

Milton: He's locked in his room right now! He's mixing your stuff with 2000 Flushes, Lime-A-Way, Pine-Sol, Clorox, Soft Scrub, Drano, Tilex, Formula 409, the crap with the scrubbling (fizzing noises) bubbles! He's got some Raid Flying Insect Killer, Amaco Ultimate 93 Octane gasoline, and some fen-phen!

Woman: Stop him immediately! It sounds like he could have the danger of fire or explosions...

Milton: Wait a sec! I'm on the cordless phone, I'm gonna run...upstairs...right now, almost at the top of the steps, and-oh my God. Wait a sec! Do you hear the bubbling?

(bubbling noises coming from Chauncey's room)

Woman: Yes...what is that, sir?...

Milton: There's all kinds of green ooze and hissing coming from out of his door!

Woman: Get everyone out of the house now!

Milton: Hang on...

(Milton knocking on Chauncey's door)

Milton: Chauncey!

Woman: Sir, get everyone out of the house and call 911 now!

(Milton pounding on Chauncey's door)

Milton: Chauncey! Chauncey, let me...Chauncey! Let me in here! Chaun-

(Milton becomes asphyxiated by chemical fumes)

Milton: (choking, hacking)

Woman: Sir?

Milton: I'm starting to become overcome by the fumes! (hacking) I can't breathe! (choking and hacking) I can't hold onto the phone any longer!

(beeping on other line)

(Milton hacking and choking)

(Milton's house blows up)

(ringback tone)