Reckless Pizza Guy
Call 59
Track guide
Turkey Hotline
Frozen Fludgecow
Reckless Pizza Guy is the fifty-ninth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series.


(ringback tone)

Young Man: (partially bleeped) Domino's Pizza.

Milton: D'oh! Thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the craphead manager!

Young Man: This is the manager. You don't have to speak to me like that-

Milton: I saw your ad in the paper for a pizza delivery driver and I'm coming down right now to take the job! As a condition of my parole, I must be employed by 6:00 this evening, so I'm coming over right now! I'm in the car! I'll be there in just a few minutes!

(Milton honks his horn at the car in front of him)

Milton: Get the hell out of the way! Hey! Jackass! Get the hell out of the way or I'll smash you!

Young Man: Hey man! Calm down! What's your driving record like?

Milton: Well, I've got a problem with the driving record. Do you require a DMV transcript?

Young Man: Definitely.

Milton: Well, I figure it's about time that I'm up front and honest so we can start this relationship off on a good foot!

Young Man: Why don't we do this over the phone? Why don't you read me...some of the problems that you got and I'll see if you're qualified?

Milton: Well...right now, I have a suspended driver's license for three DUI's!

Young Man: Can't argue with that. I have a license.

Milton: Well-well, that's not it. Why don't you grab a piece of paper and a pencil and write this stuff down?

Young Man: (in background) All right...

Milton: All right, I've got three DUI's...

Young Man: (to co-worker) Mike, we got a guy on the phone that wants to apply for a driver. He's got three DUI's. (to Milton) Go ahead, sorry.

Milton: I've got two hundred unpaid parking and speeding tickets...

Young Man: (laughs) We're not gonna hire you, but go ahead.

Milton: Also, I have several reckless driving tickets, and a-

Young Man: (to co-worker) Reckless driving record, three DUI's!

Milton: But that's not the worst of it! I have a felony hit-and-run after bashing my car through a chruch picnic and dragging a nun under my car for three miles!

Young Man: You dragged a nun under your car for three miles?

Milton: Yes! That was vehicular homicide, but all those days of road rage are behind me!

(Milton honking horn at car in front of him)

Milton: Hey! You son of a bi-! Get out of the way! Move that piece of crap! What kind of a moron are you! That's it! I'm gonna ram you!

(Milton steps on the gas and crashes into car in front of him)

Young Man: Hey, calm down, man!

Milton: (yelling) Ramming car in front of me; he won't get out of the way!

(Milton continues ramming his car into car in front of him)

Milton: Get out of the way!

(Milton honks horn)


Young Man: What, are you on drugs, man? Are you all right?

Milton: Oh, that brings up a good point! Do I have to take a drug test?

Young Man: Uh...yes, you do.

Milton: No! There's no drug test! I will pass on that one! You'll have to wean the drug test for this particular employment application!

Young Man: Sounds like you're on drugs right now!

Milton: Oh! Really funny! You think you're a stinking comedian-!

(Milton honks horn again)

Milton: Get out of the way! I got another moron-! Get out of the way, you jackass! Get out of the...that's it, I'm gonna sideswipe you!

(Milton crashes into car)

Milton: (yelling)

Young Man: (to co-worker) Now he's sideswiping the car open!

Milton: How do you like your fancy smancy BMW now, you loser?!

(Milton honks horn again)

Milton: Get out of the way! GET...OUT...OF...THE...WAY!!! I can get the pizzas there in thirty minutes or less!

Young Man: Listen, you're not gonna be delivering pizzas for us...

(police sirens go off)

Milton: Oh crap! I got the cops behind me now! Oh my God! I'm being chased by the cops! Can you hear the police sirens?

Young Man: Yeah!

Milton: I feel like I'm in World's Scariest Police Chases 6! Hold on! Gotta shake the cops!

Young Man: (to co-worker) Now he's getting chased by the cops!

(Milton flees from the police)

Milton: Gotta put the pedal to the metal!

(tires screeching)

Milton: Okay! I lost the cops! I'm coming down there right now to apply for the job! I'm gonna be delivering pizzas in fifteen minutes for you!

Young Man: If you come down here, I'm gonna call the police as soon as you get here.

Milton: Oh! Are you threatening me? Listen here, minimum wage pizza boy! I'm gonna come down there and jam three pepperoni pizzas up your-!

(manager hangs up)

(ringback tone)

Milton: Hey, pizza putz! Hello? Hello!