Overnight Chauncey
Call 15
Track guide
The Bulldozer
I Lost Mommy
Overnight Chauncey is the fifteenth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series.


(ringback tone)

Pre-Recorded Message: Thank you for calling (censored). To schedule a pick-up using your (censored) account number, press "1".

Milton: (wails) No!

Pre-Recorded Message: For delivery information on a specific shipment, press "2".

Milton: I need my son! (wails)

Pre-Recorded Message: For information about international shipping, press "3".

Milton: I lost my kid!

Pre-Recorded Message: For other information, or to speak with a customer representative, press the star key.

Milton: Yes, yes! Yes! Star!

(Milton frantically presses the star key on his phone)

Milton: STAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!........Star!

Terri: (censored), this is Terri Lowe. How can I help you?

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! Terri, I've got a package emergency on my hands!

Terri: Okay, um, h- wha-what, uh...type of emergency?

Milton: I shipped something out and it hasn't gotten to the destination yet!

Terri: Okay, sir. What was the airbill number?

Milton: 0-6-3-4-8-0-4-8-1-1!

Terri: I'm sorry, sir. I don't have any record of that...uh, shipment.

Milton: It's not in the system?!

Terri: No, sir.

Milton: Oh, my God! We've got a catastrophe on our hands! Let me explain what's going on!

Terri: Okay.

Milton: I guess it's time for me to come clean!

Terri: Okay, sir. Just calm down and tell me what's wrong.

Milton: (weeps) We couldn't afford to send my fat kid Chauncey on a regular airliner to see Grandma, so...(weeps) I packed him in a box and I shipped him out (censored)!

Terri: You what?!

Milton: I packed him up with this tape...

(Milton unravels packaging tape)

Milton: And shipped him out!

Terri: Y-you're trying to tell me you sent out a human in a box?

Milton: Yes! Chauncey! My 375-pound bundle of love! (cries)

Terri: Okay, hold on. Let me get my supervisor.

Milton: Okay! (continues crying)

(Milton is put on hold; hold line plays relaxing piano music)

Pre-Recorded Message: Due to unusually high call volume, our representatives are still busy. Thank you for continuing to hold.

(Milton still on hold; music still playing)

Connie: Hello, this is Connie Morris. Uh, do I understand that you shipped a human being?

Milton: Yes, I shipped my fat kid Chauncey in a box! (cries)

Connie: You shipped your son?!

Milton: Yes! We couldn't afford an airliner so I stuffed him in the box! It was a very heavy load!

Connie: Where did this package originate from?

Milton: Tampa, Florida!

Connie: Okay, and-

Milton: My name is Milton Fludgecow! F-L-U-D-G-E-C-O-W; Fludgecow! (cries)

Connie: Okay, okay, and said this originated in Tampa?

Milton: Tampa! It was going to Albuquerque! He was gonna visit Grandma!

Connie: Okay, going to-

Milton: AHH!!! You gotta find Chauncey!

Connie: How could you ship a human being in a box like that? Okay, we're g- (pauses) We're gonna have to call the police on this, um...

Milton: No! Let's keep the police out of it!

Connie: No, no, I'm gonna need- I'm gonna need your home phone number so we can get in touch with you but-

Milton: I- woah, woah, woah, woah! Wait a sec! I put some chocolate chip cookies-!

Connie: We need to find where your son is!

Milton: (stammering) I- I know, but he had some-!

Connie: We have no record...

Milton: He had some cookies!

Connie: ...of proper shipment.

Milton: I gave him some water in a squirt bottle; he had a ham sandwich, and-!

Connie: We're gonna have to get the police's help on this...

Milton: Well, I even slapped...a fragile sticker on top!

(Milton fumbles phone around)

Milton: (whines)

Connie: Sir...sir, we have no record of this. We need the police. I'm gonna need your home phone number.

Milton: Do I get a refund since he wasn't there by 10:30? He had- he had his little Nintendo Game Boy in there to keep him company!

Connie: I don't care what you did for him! You do not ship a human being in a box!

Milton: I'm sorry!

Connie: We are going to need to get the police and we are going to need to get some information from you...

Milton: I can't hear you! The connection's getting very staticky!

Connie: Okay, we're gonna get in touch with the police-

Milton: I- what?!

Connie: I need information from you.

Milton: I can't hear you!

Connie: I need information from you!

(Milton's hearing aid falls out)

Milton: My hearing aid fell out! I can't hear you!

Connie: Please give me your address and phone number...

Milton: I can't-!

Connie: we can get the police to help!

Milton: Ah! Whoop! Gotta go! Bye-bye!

Connie: Please, sir...

Milton: Blagh-!

(ringback tone)