I Lost Mommy
Pre-Recorded Message: Thank you for calling (censored). To schedule a pick-up using your (censored) account number, press "1".
Milton: (wails) No!
Pre-Recorded Message: For delivery information on a specific shipment, press "2".
Milton: I need my son! (wails)
Pre-Recorded Message: For information about international shipping, press "3".
Milton: I lost my kid!
Pre-Recorded Message: For other information, or to speak with a customer representative, press the star key.
Milton: Yes, yes! Yes! Star!
(Milton frantically presses the star key on his phone)
Terri: (censored), this is Terri Lowe. How can I help you?
Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! Terri, I've got a package emergency on my hands!
Terri: Okay, um, h- wha-what, uh...type of emergency?
Milton: I shipped something out and it hasn't gotten to the destination yet!
Terri: Okay, sir. What was the airbill number?
Terri: I'm sorry, sir. I don't have any record of that...uh, shipment.
Milton: It's not in the system?!
Terri: No, sir.
Milton: Oh, my God! We've got a catastrophe on our hands! Let me explain what's going on!
Milton: I guess it's time for me to come clean!
Terri: Okay, sir. Just calm down and tell me what's wrong.
Milton: (weeps) We couldn't afford to send my fat kid Chauncey on a regular airliner to see Grandma, so...(weeps) I packed him in a box and I shipped him out (censored)!
Terri: You what?!
Milton: I packed him up with this tape...
(Milton unravels packaging tape)
Milton: And shipped him out!
Terri: Y-you're trying to tell me you sent out a human in a box?
Milton: Yes! Chauncey! My 375-pound bundle of love! (cries)
Terri: Okay, hold on. Let me get my supervisor.
Milton: Okay! (continues crying)
(Milton is put on hold; hold line plays relaxing piano music)
Pre-Recorded Message: Due to unusually high call volume, our representatives are still busy. Thank you for continuing to hold.
(Milton still on hold; music still playing)
Connie: Hello, this is Connie Morris. Uh, do I understand that you shipped a human being?
Milton: Yes, I shipped my fat kid Chauncey in a box! (cries)
Connie: You shipped your son?!
Milton: Yes! We couldn't afford an airliner so I stuffed him in the box! It was a very heavy load!
Connie: Where did this package originate from?
Milton: Tampa, Florida!
Connie: Okay, and-
Milton: My name is Milton Fludgecow! F-L-U-D-G-E-C-O-W; Fludgecow! (cries)
Connie: Okay, okay, and uh...you said this originated in Tampa?
Milton: Tampa! It was going to Albuquerque! He was gonna visit Grandma!
Connie: Okay, going to-
Milton: AHH!!! You gotta find Chauncey!
Connie: How could you ship a human being in a box like that? Okay, we're g- (pauses) We're gonna have to call the police on this, um...
Milton: No! Let's keep the police out of it!
Connie: No, no, I'm gonna need- I'm gonna need your home phone number so we can get in touch with you but-
Milton: I- woah, woah, woah, woah! Wait a sec! I put some chocolate chip cookies-!
Connie: We need to find where your son is!
Milton: (stammering) I- I know, but he had some-!
Connie: We have no record...
Milton: He had some cookies!
Connie: ...of proper shipment.
Milton: I gave him some water in a squirt bottle; he had a ham sandwich, and-!
Connie: We're gonna have to get the police's help on this...
Milton: Well, I even slapped...a fragile sticker on top!
(Milton fumbles phone around)
Connie: Sir...sir, we have no record of this. We need the police. I'm gonna need your home phone number.
Milton: Do I get a refund since he wasn't there by 10:30? He had- he had his little Nintendo Game Boy in there to keep him company!
Connie: I don't care what you did for him! You do not ship a human being in a box!
Milton: I'm sorry!
Connie: We are going to need to get the police and we are going to need to get some information from you...
Milton: I can't hear you! The connection's getting very staticky!
Connie: Okay, we're gonna get in touch with the police-
Milton: I- what?!
Connie: I need information from you.
Milton: I can't hear you!
Connie: I need information from you!
(Milton's hearing aid falls out)
Milton: My hearing aid fell out! I can't hear you!
Connie: Please give me your address and phone number...
Milton: I can't-!
Connie: ...so we can get the police to help!
Milton: Ah! Whoop! Gotta go! Bye-bye!
Connie: Please, sir...