Mattress Mayhem
Call 10
Track guide
Demonic Cable Box
Pop-Tart Fire
Mattress Mayhem is the tenth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series.


(ringback tone)

Dave: Good evening, (censored) Mattress. Dave speaking.

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! (wails) I can-

Dave: (giggling)

Milton: Excuse me, what is so funny? I can't move! Hello?!

Dave: (sighs) Holy (censored), (chuckles) Who's this?

Milton: Is this-is this the mattress store?

Dave: Yeah.

Milton: I purchased a mattress from you last week-it was just delivered yesterday-and I was promised by some crackhead that works there that I would have the best night's sleep ever! I can't move!

Dave: (chortling), (sighs) Hey (censored), come here!

Milton: Hello?!

Dave: Hello?

Milton: What the hell are you laughing at? I'm stuck in my bed! I can't move! I'm like an invalid!

Dave: (laughing)

Milton: Hello?

Dave: Hello?

Milton: I'm glad you think this is funny! I'm gonna sue your ass off, I'm gonna sue the company's ass off, it's gonna be called "Milton's Mattress World"! Hello?!

(Dave laughing, co-worker picks up phone)

Man: Hello?

Milton: Yes! Let me speak-that guy is laughing! I have a medical emergency! I bought a bed from you people and I have a backache now-I can't move from my bed! I'm like paralyzed!

Dave: (laughing)

Man: That sucks...

Milton: You can look up my file right now! I can't believe that you're laughing at a valued customer!

(phone noise)

Milton: Hello?

(phone is handed over to manager)

Milton: I wanna speak-

Manager: Right here!

Milton: I want to speak to the manager right now!

Dave: (laughing harder)

Manager: Speaking!

Milton: I feel like I've been shot in the back like that gangster rapper 40 Cent!

Dave: (laughing hard)

Milton: I saw that on Access Hollywood!

Dave: (sighs)

Milton: Let me speak to the manager right now!

Manager: Speaking!

Milton: Thank you! I need somebody to come here right now and get me out of this bed-I can't move!

Dave: (laughing)

Manager We are on our way!

Milton: I need you to bring a wet/dry shop vac to clean up all the soiled mess on my bed where I've had to go to the bathroom!

Dave: (laughing)

Milton: Listen! You pull my file- it's Milton Fludgecow- you'll find my address! They just delivered this thing yesterday!

Manager Spell the last name!

Milton: F-L-U-D-G-E-C-O-W! I'm gonna register a complaint with your corporate offices because you're laughing at me and I'm about dead in the bed!

Dave: (laughing hysterically)

Manager: All right, we're bringing up your information. Hang on.

Milton: Thank you! And then you're gonna owe me a big time apology-not to mention the fact that I want my money back and I want the $2000 Best Night's Sleep guarantee money back, as well!

Dave: (laughing)

Milton: You better stop laughing right now, mister! I'm gonna shove this mattress so far up your ass, you're gonna be tasting springs!

Dave: (sighs)

Milton: (nervously wails) I just wet myself! I-

Dave: (laughing)

Manager: Sir, you may want to call the paramedics...

Milton: I can't get out of the bed! I have to go number one and number two in the bed!

Manager: Hey, you got a phone! Call the emergency room!

Milton: I'm calling you! You guaranteed me the best night's sleep ever!

Dave: (laughing)

Milton: Is this Fred's Beds?

Manager: Fred's Beds? No, this is not Fred's Beds.

Milton: What is this?

Manager: This is a (censored) center.

Milton: Oh...I have the wrong number. Please excuse the ring!

Manager: No problem!

Dave: (laughing)

(Milton hangs up)

(ringback tone)


  • It's notable that this is the only call in which people are directly laughing at Milton (not counting the few times people have chuckled at him). This could be because the people on the other end are either laughing at Milton's delivery or they are possibly onto the fact that they are being prank called by MJ Kelli.