Lick the Pope?
Call 13
Track guide
The Elevator
The Bulldozer
Lick the Pope? is the thirteenth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series.


(ringback tone)

(Milton dialing number)

Milton: (sighs) Hello?!

Virginia: Thank you for c-

Milton: Yes! Is this the Poppe Stamp Line?

Virginia: Thank you for calling the Poppe...

Milton: D'oh! Yes!

Virginia: ...hotline.

Milton: Thank God you've answered! I'm calling because I want stamps.

Virginia: My name is Virginia. Do you know which credit card you will be using today?

Milton: Ho- hold on a minute...

(Milton gets his wallet out)

Milton: I have a Visa!

Virginia: And may I have your Visa card number, please?

Milton: Yes. Eigh- how many stamp sets can I order?

Virginia: How many did you want to order?

Milton: Okay, I need twenty-five.

Virginia: I can do that...

Milton: Okay. Twenty-five sets you can do?

Virginia: Yes. And your Visa card number, please?

Milton: Oh, because I was- I was very upset because the ad said that I was limited to just six sets, so y-

Virginia: I can authorize...a bit more.

Milton: So you can bend the rules a little bit.

Virginia: Yeah.

Milton: I'm not gonna get in trouble with the Pope?

Virginia: Nope.

Milton: I'm not sinning?

Virginia: Nope. You're not sinning, you're not gonna get in trouble with the Pope.

Milton: I'm not gonna be- I'm not gonna have to go to confession and say that I've just sinned by ordering more sets than I was supposed to?

Virginia: Nope, you're not sinning by ordering more sets.

Milton: Because I don't want to get on the Pope's crap list, you know?

Virginia: Yeah, I won't let you get on that side of his list.

Milton: Thank you., what are the pictures depicted on the Pope stamps?

Virginia: It- it was shown in the article.

Milton: Okay, I have that here. Now, where can I use these stamps?

Virginia: Um, they're a collector's item...

Milton: Yes?

Virginia: And, um, you can mail them to...from, uh, they're legal tender for postage from Guinea.  

Milton: What?

Virginia: From Guinea.

Milton: Where the hell's Guinea? I once had a kid that had a Guinea pig. Is that the same thing?

Virginia: No, that's not- this isn't, this isn't a Guinea pig, this is Guinea.

Milton: Guinea Pope?

(co-worker laughing in background)

Virginia: Hold on just a moment.

Milton: Yes!

(Milton put on hold; upbeat saxophone music plays)

Virginia: Okay, sir...if...if, I don't have where the exact location of Guinea.

Milton: Do you have a map?

Virginia: I don't have a map right here-

Milton: How about a big globe?

(co-worker chuckling in background)

Virginia: No.

Milton: No globe?

Virginia: I don't have a globe, sir. Did you want to order these stamps? 

Milton: Well, I gotta admit, I'm feeling guilty about something. If I use the stamps, that means I'm gonna have to lick the Pope!

(co-worker laughing wildly in background)

Virginia: No, these are...did you want to order the stamps?

Co-Worker: Oh, my gosh...

Milton: I will call back. I've gotta call my priest to see if it's a sin to lick the Pope!

Virginia: (laughing) It's not a sin to lick the Pope, sir, if you want to use the stamps!

(co-worker laughing in background)

Milton: I'll call back.

Virginia: Thank you!

Milton: Bye.

Virginia: Bye.

(end of call)


  • Poppe Stamps is a philatelic store run by stamp collectors Philippe and Guido Poppe (which is indeed pronounced as "Pope") that sells stamps from all over the world.
  • Guinea is a country in west Africa.
  • In the background, a woman can clearly be heard laughing several times. It could be inferred that she was listening in on the call.