Leave It To Beaver
Call 31
Track guide
1-800 How's My Driving?
Science Fair Project
Leave It To Beaver is the thirty-first prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series.


(ringback tone)

Woman: Thank you for calling (censored) Salon and Spa, will you please hold?

Milton: Hurry up! I've got an emergency!

Woman: What's your emergency?

Milton: Hair emergency!

Woman: Okay, hold on. One...moment.

Milton: Thank you!

(Milton put on hold; line plays upbeat disco music)

Katelyn: Sorry for your hold. This is Katelyn, how may I help you?

Milton: I have an emergency that needs immediate styling! Are you open?

Katelyn: Umm....we are, but our stylists are completely booked.

Milton: Woah, woah, woah! Listen, money talks and you know what walks! I've got $1000! You tell me who wants a grand to do four little ones! Quickly!

(Milton put on hold again; plays same disco song)

Jackie: Hi, this is Jackie. May I help you, please?

Milton: Jackie, I've got an emergency! I need some last minute styling! Who there wants to make a whole lot of money?

Jackie: Well, I do, but we're about to close. Uh, how much are we talking about?

Milton: How about $1000? I have four little ones! Tonight is the 22nd Annual Cutie Critter Competition at the Convention Center and my usual stylist was just arrested this morning for running a meth lab out of her preschool where she works part-time! Are you good with little ones?

Jackie: Uh, yeah, I'm good with little ones.

Milton: Good! I've got Curline- she's got a little too much ear hair that needs some trimming, and Moogie has a little bit off the back that needs to be taken off, and then you have a little, bitty curling iron?

Jackie: Yes, sir. We have little curling irons.

Milton: How little?

Jackie: ......little ones.

Milton: I mean, little, eensy, weensy, teensy curling irons. Like, the size of a pencil.

Jackie: Well, sir, how little do you need it?

Milton: Well, it should be okay. And then I've got Harriet, and Harriet needs a little trim. Where do you want me to put the cages?

Jackie: Cages?! What are you bringing cages for?

Milton: Well, Curline is a gopher, Moogie is a squirrel, and Scooter is a meerkat- they're cute! They stand up and pray! And then Harriet is named after Harriet Miers from the whole Supreme Court debacle and she's a beaver!

Jackie: What? I'm not working on no friggin' beaver!

Milton: Will you trim my beaver, please? $1000! Trim my beaver!

Jackie: You are a sick (censored)!

Milton: Please!

(Harriet chomps teeth at Milton)

Milton: Oh! My beaver just snapped at me!

(Jackie hangs up)

Milton: Hello? Hello?!

(ringback tone)


  • The title is taken from the famous 1960's sitcom of the same name.
  • Harriet Miers is a lawyer and ex-White House Counsel to U.S. President George W. Bush. The "Supreme Court debacle" mentioned here may refer to when President Bush nominated her to the U.S. Supreme Court as an Associate Justice in 2005, and withdrew said nomination following opposition almost a month later.
    • This may also mean that this prank call was recorded in 2005.