Kwickie-Mart Bad Gas
Call 50
Track guide
The Golf Cart
IRS Mess
Kwickie-Mart Bad Gas is the fiftieth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Singh: (censored)?

Milton: Let me speak to the imbecile that sold me this bad gas!

Singh: Hold on...Richard?

Milton: Hello?!

(Singh, an Indian gas station employee, hands the phone over to Richard, the manager)

Richard: Hello?

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the idiot that sold me this bad gas!

(sports radio chatter in the background)

Richard: Oh, you wanna talk said he sold him bad gas....ooh, I don't know......wha-what time you came in, ma'am?

Milton: I'm a sir! I'm stuck in the middle of the street right now! Listen to my car!

(Milton tries to start up his car, but the engine keeps stalling)

Milton: Will not start!

(Milton continues to try and start up his car)

Richard: Wh-wha-what time did you came in here?

Milton: 'Bout a hour ago!

Richard: A hour ago?

Milton: Listen, can you turn down that stinking television set? I can't hear a word you're saying!

Richard: We don't have a TV set.

Milton: Well, what's all that blabbing back there?!

Richard: That's the radio.

Milton: Well, turn the damn thing off! I'm trying to have a conversation! I got bad gas!

Richard: (faintly) Singh, could you....

Singh: (in the background) Okay, what's he want?.....

(Singh picks up the phone)

Singh: Yes, ma'am?

Milton: I'm a sir!

Singh: Uh-huh.

Milton: You're an idiot.

Singh: ....Yeah, I'm an Indian.

Milton: No, I said you're an idiot, not an Indian! I said I got bad gas!

Singh: So what I can do?

Milton: You can come pick me up and take the crappy gas out of my car and give me my money back!

Singh: I can't do that, ma'am.

Milton: I'm a sir!

Singh: No, I- I can't do that. You talk to the manager tomorrow morning, eight o'clock, okay? 

Milton: What is your name?!

Singh: I can't- my name is Singh. I cannot leave the station, ma'am.

Milton: What are you, a idiot?! I'm a sir! I am no-

Singh: Okay, you-you behave yourself. Don't talk like that to me, please.

Milton: I-

Singh: You ta-talk to the manager or (I) complain to the police , okay?

Milton: I just bought twenty-three dollars worth of gas from you and it's crap! And my car is stuck now!

Singh: Okay, I am sorry. I am, I am putting the phone back, okay?

Milton: No! No! Don't hang up on me!

(Singh hangs up)

(ringback tone)

Singh: Kwik Trip.

Milton: You listen, Singh! I'm gonna sue you!

Singh: Oh-you, okay, you go ahead, sue me!

Milton: I will sue you right now!

Singh: Okay, go ahead!

Milton: I will sue you because I have bad gas!

Singh: I tell you-go ahead, sue me!

Milton: How much money do you make?

Singh: I don't make any money here, ma'am! It-it is not your business, ma'am!

Milton: Yes it is, because it's all going to be my money after I sue you!

Singh: No, it is not your business how much money I make!

Milton: You're an idiot!

Singh: All right, okay, thank you.

Milton: You're a moron!

(Singh hangs up)

(ringback tone)

Singh: I am a salesperson here. I am not the boss here.

Milton: You know what? I'm gonna come down there- I'm gonna take the gas pump nozzle and I'm gonna jam it up your butt! How 'bout that?

Singh: Thank you very much. Okay, I am, I am again hanging up the phone-

Milton: No!

Singh: I have a customer here...

Milton: No! I'm very upset!

Singh: Okay, I'm-I'm going to call the police if you don't stop calling me!

(Singh hangs up)

(ringback tone)

Singh: Gas station?

Milton: Yes, Singh? I'm sorry for yelling.

Singh: Ma'am, it's alright. Please leave me...pity on me, I'm busy here!

Milton: I am very upset and I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Singh: It's all right, but please leave me now- let me work, okay? Thank you, okay?

Milton: I'm st-I'm starting to cry....(fake cries)

Singh: Th-thank you, thank you very much.

Milton: Listen, Mr. Singh?

Singh: Uh-huh?

Milton: I would like to invite you to dinner.

Singh: It's all right, thank you very much. I can't come, I'm working here, thank you very much-

Milton: Maybe tomorrow night?

Singh: It's all right, thank you very much, now...

Milton: I'm sorry for yelling...

Singh: It's all right! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Milton: Singh, I love you!

(Singh hangs up)

(ringback tone)

Trivia Edit

  • The title of this prank call is a reference to the fictional convenience store the Kwik-E-Mart from The Simpsons.