Furniture Fiasco
Call 63
Track guide
Exercise Bike
The Hearing Aid
Furniture Fiasco is the sixty-third prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Man: Good afternoon, Furniture (censored).

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! Who the hell is your attorney?

Man: Excuse me?

Milton: I said who the hell is your attorney?

Man: Uh, I don't know who my attorney is...

Milton: Well, I suggest you find out because you have a massive lawsuit coming your way!

Man: Uh...what is this in regards to?

Milton: It's in regards to the fact that I bought a furniture set from you people and it's all infested with termites!

Man: Uh, what's your name, sir?

Milton: Fludgecow! F-L-U-D-G-E-C-O-W! First name is Milton!

Man: And when did you buy this furniture, sir?

Milton: I bought it about four or five months a-might've been a year ago!

Man: And do you have your invoice-

Milton: No! No no no! It was just delivered last week! I'm sorry!

Man: Do you have your invoice with you, sir?

Milton: Yes, I do! The invoice is (unfolding paper) right here!

Man: And can I have the invoice number, please?

Milton: Three!

Man: Uh, there's more numbers than that...

Milton: Three!

Man: Just three?

Milton: What, do you have a third-grade education? I said my invoice number was three! (pounding) Three! Three! Three! Three! Three! Three!!!

Man: You don't have to talk to me like that...

Milton: Well, how about you don't sell me furniture that's all infested with termites?! Listen to this! I'm putting the phone up to my bedroom set right now!

(termites chomping on furniture)

Milton: Do you hear that?!

Man: Yeah...

Milton: Those are the termites! Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew! Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp! The damn termites are eating my stinking furniture right now! I bought the Mongoloid Mongolian Bedroom Collection for 25% off with no payments due 'til 2010!

Man: We don't have a Mongoloid Mo-

Milton: (stammers) Are you calling me a liar?! Listen here! I want you to get into your little delivery truck right now, come to my house, and pick up this termite-infested crap!

Man: Sir, I need your name and address, please...

Milton: My name is Milton Fludgecow and I'm at 1413 Flika-Flaka Lane!

Man: What is your phone number, please?

Milton: 76!

Man: No, that's not your phone number, sir.

Milton: Are you calling me a liar again?! Listen here, you schmuck on wheels, my phone number's 76! It's been 76 since 1909! That's it! I can see this conversation's going nowhere! I'm gonna have to get rid of these damn termites all by myself!

(termites chomping)

Milton: I've got-I've got my Smith & Wesson handgun right here! I'm-

Man: Sir, no! Do-don't shoot-

Milton: Die, termites!

(Milton shoots termites)

Milton: Die! Die!

Man: Sir! Don't shoot the termites!

Milton: Die! Die! Die! Die!

(termites still chomping)

Milton: Oh, wait-termites are still there. I'm gonna have to set them on fire! I've got lighter fluid!

Man: Don't light the furniture on fire!

Milton: I got the lighter fluid right here!

Man: Sir-

Milton: Spraying lighter fluid!

(Milton sprays lighter fluid all over furniture)

Milton: Lighter fluid all over!

Man: Sir, don't light the furniture on fire!

Milton: Striking the match, and-

(room gets set on fire)

Milton: Oh my God, we got a fire! Oh my God, we got a fire! House is on fire! Furniture's on fire! I have a propane tank inside the bedroom! Oh my God! (gibberish)!

(Milton's house blows up)

Man: Holy (censored)!

(man hangs up)

(ringback tone)