Reckless Pizza Guy
The Wrecking Ball
(grocery store freezer running in background)
Liz: Good morning and thank you for calling (censored). This is Liz speaking. How can I help you?
Milton: D'oh! Thank God you've answered! Get me the manager pronto!
Liz: Sure! Can you hold the line, please?
Milton: Hurry up!
(Milton shivers and groans)
Milton: Feeling numb...getting weak...(moans)
Liz: You know what? I've tried to get him- he's in the checkstand helping a customer. Can I take a message and have him call you right back?
Milton: No, you can't! I'm stuck in the frozen food case!
Liz: Okay. Where are you?
Milton: I'm on the frozen food aisle! I reached in to get the "2-for-1 special" and there was only a few left! And I reached all the way in and I fell in! The door- boom!- slammed behind me! I'm stuck inside the case!
Liz: Okay, I'll- where- okay, hold on. I'll- we'll come get you now...
Milton: Who is this?!
Liz: This is Li- I'm gonna come get you, okay?
Milton: It's all fogged- I'm a midget! I'm small! I'm elderly and I'm only four feet tall! And I reached in and I fell in and I can't get out! It's very cold in here!
Liz: Okay. Let me come get you, okay?
Milton: The window is all fogged up!
Milton: I was lucky to have my cellular phone!
Liz: Okay. Let me come get you, okay?
Milton: Keep this phone line open in case you can't find me!
(Liz talking to co-worker in background)
Liz: Okay. Hold on.
(Liz hangs phone up)
Milton: Rescue is on the way! (shivering)
Liz: Are you at (censored) Market?
Milton: Yes I am! I'm tapping on the window now!
(Milton taps on freezer door window)
Milton: I'm inside the freezer...I'm ta-can you hear me tapping?!
Liz: I can! But I can't find you! Wha-are you in the frozen food section?
Milton: Yes! I reached in to grab the food and I fell in 'cause I had to reach all the way-! Did you just look for me?!
Liz: I am-okay, hold on!
(Liz hangs up again)
Milton: Wait a sec! Don't leave me! I'm getting cold! I feel like I'm at the top of Mount Everest! Freezing, shivering!
(Milton stutters, shivers)
Milton: Get me...OUT!!!
(Milton furiously taps on freezer door window)
Liz: Are you calling from the (censored) store?
Milton: I'm calling from the frozen food cooler! Maybe you can't see me because a bunch of boxes fell in front of me! Hold on a minute!
(Milton starts moving frozen food boxes)
Milton: Let me move all these frozen dinners!
Milton: Salisbury...don't leave me yet! Hold on! Let me clear the way, okay?
Milton: Moving all the-! Okay! Green Giant! Frozen pizza! Hold on- hello?!
Liz: I'm right here.
Milton: Opening up the frozen pizza!
(Milton opens up a box of frozen pizza)
Milton: Oh, this looks good!
(Milton unwraps frozen pizza)
(Liz's co-workers talking on other end)
Male Co-Worker: Uh, she went to look for you and she can't find you...
Milton: (furiously) I'm in the frozen food section! It's getting cold! Please put her on the phone! I'll give her better directions as to where I am!
Male Co-Worker: Okay, hang on...
Milton: Put her back on the phone!
Liz: You know what? I cannot find you anywhere in the store...
Milton: I'm trapped in the frozen food section! I feel like I'm going to freeze to death! (cries)
Liz: Are you-? You know what, listen to me very carefully...
Milton: I have to go to the bathroom, too!
Liz: Listen! Stop talking! Listen!
Liz: You must be caught in the wrong store!
Milton: No! I'm in your store!
Liz: What's the name of my store?
(Milton unzips his pants)
Milton: Okay! Gotta go to the bathroom! Hold on a minute! Ho...
(Milton urinates in the freezer)
Milton: Going to the bathroom in the frozen food case!
Liz: Where are you?
Milton: Too cold! (sighs)
(Milton stops urinating)
Milton: I always thought your store was number one, and now I've done number one in your store! Okay, I'm gonna try to muster up a little more energy to try to kick the door open with my feet! Okay! Here we go! Three! Two! One!
(Milton kicks the freezer door down; glass shatters; Milton grunts)
Milton: Okay! I'm out! We've got a cleanup on aisle five! Goodbye!
(Milton hangs up)