Frozen Fludgecow
Call 60
Track guide
Reckless Pizza Guy
The Wrecking Ball
Frozen Fludgecow is the sixtieth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Call series.


(ringback tone)

(grocery store freezer running in background)

Liz: Good morning and thank you for calling (censored). This is Liz speaking. How can I help you?

Milton: D'oh! Thank God you've answered! Get me the manager pronto!

Liz: Sure! Can you hold the line, please?

Milton: Hurry up!

(Milton shivers and groans)

Milton: Feeling numb...getting weak...(moans)

Liz: You know what? I've tried to get him- he's in the checkstand helping a customer. Can I take a message and have him call you right back?

Milton: No, you can't! I'm stuck in the frozen food case!

Liz: Okay. Where are you?

Milton: I'm on the frozen food aisle! I reached in to get the "2-for-1 special" and there was only a few left! And I reached all the way in and I fell in! The door- boom!- slammed behind me! I'm stuck inside the case!

Liz: Okay, I'll- where- okay, hold on. I'll- we'll come get you now...

Milton: Who is this?!

Liz: This is Li- I'm gonna come get you, okay?

Milton: It's all fogged- I'm a midget! I'm small! I'm elderly and I'm only four feet tall! And I reached in and I fell in and I can't get out! It's very cold in here!

Liz: Okay. Let me come get you, okay?

Milton: The window is all fogged up!

Liz: Okay!

Milton: I was lucky to have my cellular phone!

Liz: Okay. Let me come get you, okay?

Milton: Keep this phone line open in case you can't find me!

(Liz talking to co-worker in background)

Liz: Okay. Hold on.

(Liz hangs phone up)

Milton: Rescue is on the way! (shivering)

Liz: Are you at (censored) Market?

Milton: Yes I am! I'm tapping on the window now!

(Milton taps on freezer door window)

Milton: I'm inside the freezer...I'm ta-can you hear me tapping?!

Liz: I can! But I can't find you! Wha-are you in the frozen food section?

Milton: Yes! I reached in to grab the food and I fell in 'cause I had to reach all the way-! Did you just look for me?!

Liz: I am-okay, hold on!

(Liz hangs up again)

Milton: Wait a sec! Don't leave me! I'm getting cold! I feel like I'm at the top of Mount Everest! Freezing, shivering!

(Milton stutters, shivers)

Milton: Get me...OUT!!!

(Milton furiously taps on freezer door window)

Liz: Are you calling from the (censored) store?

Milton: I'm calling from the frozen food cooler! Maybe you can't see me because a bunch of boxes fell in front of me! Hold on a minute!

(Milton starts moving frozen food boxes)

Milton: Let me move all these frozen dinners!

Liz: Okay...

Milton: Salisbury...don't leave me yet! Hold on! Let me clear the way, okay?

Liz: Ok-

Milton: Moving all the-! Okay! Green Giant! Frozen pizza! Hold on- hello?!

Liz: I'm right here.

Milton: Opening up the frozen pizza!

(Milton opens up a box of frozen pizza)

Milton: Oh, this looks good!

(Milton unwraps frozen pizza)

Milton: Oh!

(Liz's co-workers talking on other end)

Milton: Hello?

Male Co-Worker: Uh, she went to look for you and she can't find you...

Milton: (furiously) I'm in the frozen food section! It's getting cold! Please put her on the phone! I'll give her better directions as to where I am!

Male Co-Worker: Okay, hang on...

Milton: Put her back on the phone!

Liz: You know what? I cannot find you anywhere in the store...

Milton: I'm trapped in the frozen food section! I feel like I'm going to freeze to death! (cries)

Liz: Are you-? You know what, listen to me very carefully...

Milton: I have to go to the bathroom, too!

Liz: Listen! Stop talking! Listen!

Milton: What?!

Liz: Listen!

Milton: Yes!

Liz: You must be caught in the wrong store!

Milton: No! I'm in your store!

Liz: What's the name of my store?

(Milton unzips his pants)

Milton: Okay! Gotta go to the bathroom! Hold on a minute! Ho...

(Milton urinates in the freezer)

Milton: Going to the bathroom in the frozen food case!

Liz: Where are you?

Milton: Too cold! (sighs)

(Milton stops urinating)

Milton: I always thought your store was number one, and now I've done number one in your store! Okay, I'm gonna try to muster up a little more energy to try to kick the door open with my feet! Okay! Here we go! Three! Two! One!

(Milton kicks the freezer door down; glass shatters; Milton grunts)

Milton: Okay! I'm out! We've got a cleanup on aisle five! Goodbye!

(Milton hangs up)

(ringback tone)