Dumber and Plumber
Call 48
Track guide
Craftmatic Bed
The Golf Cart
Dumber and Plumber is the forty-eighth in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series.

Transcript Edit

(water pouring out of toilet)

(ringback tone)

John: (censored) Plumbing.

Milton: Oh! Thank God you've answered! Who is this?

John: This is John.

Milton: John, I've got a plumbing emergency! In other words, I'm up Crap Creek without a paddle!

John: Okay, sir. How can I help ya?

Milton: I've got a water flood everywhere! I was in my bathroom and I was soaking my dentures in a big glass of extra strength Efferdent! I accidentally dropped my chompers in the toilet! I-!

John: Uh-oh!

Milton: I subsequently tried to reach into the toilet to get 'em out and that's when I got my arm stuck up towards the shoulder!

John: Woah, woah...

Milton: I'm stuck in-!

John: Woah! Wait a minute, hold on- you got your arm stuck?

Milton: It's wedged all the way down and I can't get it out!

(Milton flushes toilet)

Milton: I'm trying to flush myself free!

John: Okay, hang on now. You don't wanna flush the toilet.

Milton: What?!

John: You do not want to flush the toilet.

Milton: I can't hear you! I think I have water stuck in my eardrums! I can't-!

John: Sir, you do not want to flush the toilet!

(Milton flushes toilet again)

John: Sir!

Milton: Nothing is happening!

John: I said don't flush the (censored)-damn toilet!

Milton: I think you're a freakin' fraud! You don't know what the hell you're talking about!

John: Now hold on a second! I am certified!

Milton: I keep flushing and flushing! You don't know what you're talking about!

John: Sir-!

(Milton flushes toilet again)

John: ...start doing as I tell you!

Milton: What?!

John: I told you don't flush the toilet!

Milton: I'm trying to-!

John: You gotta turn the water off!

Milton: I can't! It's starting to get high in here! I can start swimming around like a damn fish in an Olympic swimming pool!

John: Aww!

(splashing noises)

Milton: Listen!

John: Sir, you've got to turn the water off!

Milton: I can't reach the valve!

John: Turn...there's a valve. There's a little-

Milton: I know...I can't reach it!

John: You've gotta be kidding...

Milton: I can't reach the- the water level's getting high! It's about to reach the countertop and I have a hair dryer plugged into the wall!

John: Sir, you're gonna have to pull that dryer out-

Milton: I can't-!

John: You gotta turn the water off!

Milton: I can't reach- the water's about to hit the hair dryer!

(Milton gets electrocuted)

(Milton screams and hollers in pain)

John: What is your address, sir?

Milton: I got jolted! I lost my memory! I don't know! I'm starting to get under the-!

(Milton drowns and gurgles water)

John: Oh my God-

Milton: (gurgling)

John: Sir...

Milton: (gurgling)

John: Sir!

Milton: (gurgling)

John: Sir!

Milton: (gurgling)

John: You must reach the-! You gotta turn off-!

Milton: (gurgling)

John: You need to open a door! Sir, can you open the door?!

(Milton drowns and dies)

(ringback tone)