The Crotchety Old Man Calls, also called the Crotchety Prank Calls or even Crotchety Calls for short, were a series of prank calls broadcast throughout the 1990s on the MJ Morning Show, starring host MJ Kelli's character "Milton Fludgecow" and involving the hapless old man's misadventures in using various products.


Each call has a very formula-based set up: the call will begin with either someone answering the phone, or an automated answering system talking of options. If the latter occurs, Milton will either select an option, or randomly push buttons in a panic. When someone answers, Milton will reply with his famous opening line of "Oh, thank God you've answered!", and he will either describe a dangerous situation he's in, or describe what he's doing.

Most bits usually feature Milton doing something incredibly stupid, calling about a problem he needs fixed, or being in a dangerous predicament. A major plot point of these calls is that Milton seems more concerned about accomplishing selfish goals at times; an example is when he threatens to sue companies for all their assets and taking over said companies. This can even extend to medical emergencies, such as car accidents or other serious predicaments, where he doesn't bother calling the hospital, being more concerned about compensation than actually receiving help. Often Milton will bring up his children (usually his son Chauncey, and/or occasionally, his daughter Estelle, though a third child is mentioned once), or his various pets.

As far as endings go, call can end in several ways; the first way is with Milton being injured and the phone hanging up, the second way is with Milton threatening/provoking the person on the other end, resulting in said person hanging up in either a rage or a panic, or the third way, which can end with Milton hanging up calmly/in a rage, sometimes saying he has something else to attend to, while the person on the other end either says goodbye to him back or tries to keep him on the line.

The only prank call to break this format was Reverse Crotchety Call-Autoclub, which is done in, as the title says, reverse-style.

List of callsEdit

Over the course of the lifespan of the Crotchety Old Man Calls, there were a total of sixty-eight known prank calls made. Sixty-three of them were released on the Nothing But Crotchety (NBC) album, with seemingly only one never being released on any form of CD and a few others only released on the Christmas Crotchety albums. These are all of the prank calls listed as they appear on Nothing But Crotchety, with four "Classic Crotchety" prank calls featuring prototypes of Milton Fludgecow placed before the first Nothing But Crotchety prank call (The Car Window Fiasco), and any extra prank calls or sketches placed after the last call (The Ab-Used Car Salesman).

  1. Adult Diaper
  2. Butt Tattoo
  3. Hair Plugs
  4. The Lost Arm in Curacao
  5. The Car Window Fiasco
  6. Carpet Calls 1
  7. Carpet Calls 2
  8. Drunk Mall Santa
  9. Demonic Cable Box
  10. Mattress Mayhem
  11. Pop-Tart Fire
  12. The Elevator
  13. Lick the Pope?
  14. The Bulldozer
  15. Overnight Chauncey
  16. I Lost Mommy
  17. The Killer Bees
  18. The Vacuum of Doom
  19. The Garage Door
  20. Milton Flips Truck
  21. Rental Car Squirrel
  22. The ATM
  23. Orthopedic Shoes
  24. Reverse Crotchety Call-Autoclub
  25. The VCR
  26. The Dumpster
  27. Christmas Crotchety
  28. Freezer Geezer
  29. The Pacemaker
  30. 1-800 How's My Driving?
  31. Leave It To Beaver
  32. Science Fair Project
  33. Smelly Cab
  34. Beeper in the Butt
  35. Porta-Potty
  36. Y2K Survival Kit
  37. Help! I'm Stuck In The Trunk
  38. Ski Into Tree
  39. Demonic Furbee
  40. Multiplex Morons
  41. Cremation Crotchety
  42. The Car Alarm
  43. Salad Shooter
  44. Eyewear Scare
  45. The Jet Ski
  46. Tickle Me Elmo-Wood
  47. Craftmatic Bed
  48. Dumber and Plumber
  49. The Golf Cart
  50. Kwickie-Mart Bad Gas
  51. IRS Mess
  52. Car Insurance
  53. Yank My Tank
  54. The Shredder
  55. The Lion
  56. Lost Eyeball
  57. The Implant
  58. Turkey Hotline
  59. Reckless Pizza Guy
  60. Frozen Fludgecow
  61. The Wrecking Ball
  62. Exercise Bike
  63. Furniture Fiasco
  64. The Hearing Aid
  65. The Y2K Toilet
  66. The Ab-Used Car Dealer
  67. The Wonder Boner
  68. Cayman Crotchety


During the run of the Crotchety calls on the MJ Morning Show, they became very popular. As a result, many CDs, containing Crotchety calls as well as other show segments and prank calls, would be sold by the MJ Morning Show. A total of six albums were sold during the segment's run, seven if the compilation CD "Nothing But Crotchety" is included. They would be sold around the holidays, particularly in the Tampa Bay area. Eventually, a time came when MJ Kelli decided to retire the Crotchety calls sketches on the show, and the CDs were no longer produced and ultimately went out of print. Later, in the October of 2005, an offer for a virtual album containing every Crotchety call ever made in MP3 format appeared on the MJ Morning Show's website. The offer was short-lived and expired at the start of 2006. Since then, the calls have since been posted on various video sites like YouTube for free viewing. As for the actual albums, they still pop up on the internet occasionally on sites such as eBay,, and the like, but prices vary.

List of albums Edit

  • Classic Crotchety & Wisecracks
  • Y2Krotchety
  • Crotchety Christmas
  • Crotchety Christmas II
  • Crotchety Christmas 3-D
  • When Crotchety Attacks!
  • Nothing But Crotchety


External linksEdit