Cremation Crotchety
Call 41
Track guide
Multiplex Morons
The Car Alarm
Cremation Crotchety is the forty-first prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series.


(ringback tone)

Woman: (censored) Funeral Home.

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! My name is Milton Fludgecow...and I would like to get information on cremation.

Woman: Can you hold on just a moment?

Milton: Yes, I can!


Man: Hello, this is (censored), may I help you?

Milton: Yes! My name is Milton Fludgecow. I'm calling!

Man: Okay, how can I help you?

Milton: I'm elderly and hard of hearing, so please forgive me!

Man: No, you're doing fine.

Milton: I want to be cremated. How do I get that done?

Man: Okay....I need for you to come in and we can do the paperwork for you...

Milton: What is the procedure?

Man: handle it in advance?

Milton: No! To get cremated!

Man: Right.

Milton: I'm terrified of toaster ovens...

Man: (chuckles) This isn't done in a toaster oven...

Milton: What is so funny? I'm 87 years old and I'm scared of toaster ovens because eight years ago, mine overheated! After it started talking to me, it burnt down my entire house and I had a settlement with Sears for $38.

Man: Oh, sorry...well, what I need to do is have you make an appointment-

Milton: What?!

Man: We need for you to make an appointment-

Milton: I'm very depressed now! Marv Albert is in trouble and I've been very depressed since I heard that, and I've been having sleepless nights!

Man: When would you like to come to the funeral home and make pre-arrangements?

Milton: I would like to come in immediately!

Man: Okay, why don't you plan on doing that?

Milton: Is Dr. Kevorkian affiliated with your operation?

Man: No, it's not.

Milton: Cause I heard a rumor that he might be a partner.

Man: No, that's not correct.

Milton: I wear a toupee! What is the procedure to get that cremated?

Man: It-place it with you.

Milton: So it comes inside the toaster with me?

Man: That's correct.

Milton: What time do you close today?

Man: 5:00.

Milton: I'm coming over now!

Man: Okay.

Milton: Can we arrange this today?

Man: Yes.

Milton: What should I bring?

Man: We'll just be asking questions and if you want to pay for it, you can pay for it in advance.

Milton: How much?

Man: $620.44.

Milton: Okay, now I have mostly one dollar bills and quarters! Is that a problem?

Man: No, sir. Is it rolled? 

Milton: No!

Man: Okay, it needs to be rolled before we can accept it.

Milton: Why?

Man: Because it's too hard for us to count out over $600 in change.

Milton: It's quarters and some pennies!  

Man: It would need to be rolled, sir...

(beeping noise)

Milton: Did you hear that?

Man: Yes, sir...

(beeping noise)

Milton: That's my Tamagotchi.

Man: Oh...

(beeping noise)

Milton: Okay, I'm coming today- I wanna get cremated this afternoon!

Man: Okay...we cremate after you pass away, sir.

Milton: No! I don't want to wait 'til I pass away! I'm coming down to get cremated now!

Man:, sir. We can't do that in advance.

Milton: I saw it in the Yellow Pages: "Cremation"!

Man: That's correct.

Milton: So what's the problem?

Man: You need to die first, sir.

Milton: Okay! I can take care of that right now!

(Milton grabs gun and shoots himself)

Milton: (struggling to breathe) Okay, I-I'm dead...


(ringback tone)


  • Marv Albert is a sportscaster, who is most known for sportscasting the New York Knicks. The reason why Milton said that he was "in trouble" is due to the sexual assault charges that he was facing at the time of this prank call (1997).
  • Dr. Kevorkian was a late pathologist who was famous for his euthanasia activisim and his assistance in helping people commit suicide, which led to him being arrested and vilified; Milton was most likely asking so he could commit suicide and then become cremated.
  • Tamagotchi was a virtual pet craze started in the 1990s that is still somewhat existent to this day.