Beeper in the Butt
Call 34
Track guide
Smelly Cab
Beeper in the Butt is the thirty-fourth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls.


(ringback tone)

Woman: Good afternoon, Valley Medical Group.

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! You guys have an ass doctor, right?

Woman: I'm sorry?

Milton: I said you guys have an ass doctor, right?

Woman: Are you talking about a proctologist?

Milton: Yes! Procto-Doc!

Woman: We do have proctology.

Milton: He deals with ass problems, right?

Woman: Yes sir, what's your-

Milton: I've got a very serious dilemma! I was doing my aerobics workout-you see, I do Buns of Steel every single day and I do it completely nude- because I get a better sweat that way! I was finishing my workout, went into the kitchen, and plopped myself right down on the kitchen chair! But, unbeknownst to me, my fat moron kid Chauncey left my Motorola pager on the chair and it went-FOOM! Right up my-!

Woman: I can't stay on the line if you're going to continue to talk like this...

Milton: I'm sorry, I do apologize. The pager went up my buttocks! And it keeps going off!

(Milton's pager goes off)

Milton: Do you hear that? Let me move the phone to my butt!

(pager continues to beep)

Milton: Ca-can you hear...can you hear that?

Woman: Sir, I really don't want to...don't want to hear this.

Milton: Somebody keeps paging me and my ass keeps beeping!

Woman: Hold it, sir. I asked you not to talk like that.

(ringback tone)

(dialing tones)

(ringback tone)

Darren: Page In, this is Darren speaking.

Milton: Oh, thank God you've answered! I just called my doctor and they hung up on me! I have one of your pagers and please don't hang up! It's accidently stuck in my butt.

Darren: ............what?!

Milton: I accidently got my pager stuck in my butt! I'm an elderly gentleman! I'm very large! I sat down on a chair and my pager's up there! Somebody keeps paging me and my butt keeps going off!

(pager starts beeping)

Milton: Listen to that! Here, hold on! I'm putting the phone by my butt! Listen to that!

Darren: Can you please hold?

Milton: No, I can't! I have an emergency!

(line holds; starts playing country music)

Scott: Hello.

Milton: Yes! Hello! Can you help me, please?!

Scott: Sir, this is Scott. I'm the manager.

Milton: Yes!

Scott: And, uh...right now, we don't have any...anybody available that can remove a pager from somebody's a-

(MJ hangs up)

(ringback tone)